Why decisiveness reads as "difficult" on you, and the three moves that change the read

Across twenty years, the advice on this has barely wavered. If a firm decision comes across as "difficult" coming from you, soften it. Smile more. Begin with "It's possible I've got this wrong, though." Show gratitude to the group for bearing with you. Surround the difficult decision with so much goodwill that people never register that a decision was made. Trainers call this handling the read, and they say it with good intentions.

Softening does not take the penalty away. It accepts the premise that your authority needs an apology, and it costs you the clarity that made the decision right to begin with.

1. Because the cost lands on the individual, adjusting your manner does nothing to lower what you pay.

Research on the likability penalty has returned again and again to the same finding: an identical request sounds assertive from a man and demanding from a woman. The word identical matters. The words were the same. Who delivered the line shaped how people took it. Adjusting your delivery addresses a variable the research says is beside the point, and leaves alone the one that counts.

2. Polite requests have already been tested widely.

In 2023, Kray, Kennedy and Lee at Berkeley Haas reported that 54% of women bargained over their latest job offer against 44% of men, yet women still ended up earning less. Women are not failing to ask. Women do make them, frequently with considerable care, and still bear the consequences. Were courtesy the solution, the gap would already have narrowed.

3. Hedging costs you on the decision that follows.

Each "This may be off base" is kept on file by the people listening. By the time your next firm call comes, colleagues have already learned to expect hedging and interpret your decision accordingly. When a man in Dublin or Worthington makes that same call without the qualifiers, he is seen as decisive, while you are seen as uncertain. You are penalized once for being a woman and again for the cushioning you used to dodge that penalty.

Here, in Dublin and Westerville, the older advice still holds.

Warmth is a genuine asset, and many of the women leading organizations across Central Ohio have it in abundance, from the boardrooms of Dublin and Westerville to the hospital systems and public agencies around Columbus. The mistake is treating warmth as a discount on authority instead of as a strength in its own right. Be kind. Be clear. Avoid swapping one approach for the other.

A better move instead

Tie the decision to a shared benchmark. "Our policy is not to release anything before the security check is done. This one hasn't had it." Now the group is no longer disputing you personally. They are disputing the rule, and no one describes a rule as difficult.

Get it on paper beforehand. A decision set out in a memo, along with its rationale, is read as process. That identical decision, announced face to face, is read as your temperament. Circulate the memo first, then convene the meeting to talk it through, and let the document supply the firmness.

Name the cost before anyone in Hilliard or Gahanna can point it out. "The vendor will not like this, but I'm making the decision anyway because of the audit risk." By naming the "difficult" yourself and attaching it to a reason, you leave no opening for it to be turned against you. Assertive men are presumed to have reasons. Give yours out loud.

Which decision in your work right now are you softening, when you would state it plainly if you were confident the room would read that as leadership?